struggling

why it is so difficult for me to make a decision, i have no idea.

just a simple yes or no, red or blue, this or that.  

it's not complicated. 

usually, that is.

i suppose it does depend on the question....

ok, choose.

the growth of self-confidence pt. 1

i am enjoying this small bit of cyberspace. it is like owning my own little closet where i can write on the walls and sing out loud, without worrying if my roommates will laugh at me.
they can sing, you know, with their loud strong voices, as if they were on stage with the lights in their eyes, shooting colors and poetry past their lips. my voice comes out softer, written or spoken, with less abandon and fewer tints and tones.

i'm happy to speak out here... though, between you and i, it is still a little intimidating. sometimes i feel like white rice, or mashed potatoes - accompanying and supporting the women in my life whose lives are blossoming around me.

but i do still like to sing, even if it's just a baby song, or an old hymn i learned back in kindergarten.

The (soon to be) Fosters

it's beautiful, three stones and a smooth band that wraps around her finger as no other ring could. they laughed and cried and we all smiled and yelled out our congratulations, sipping on our sparkling cider because we're too young and too poor to buy Champagne.

and then i cried a bit, because we're all growing up, despite our youth. two of us are ready to walk an aisle, with at least two more waiting on the wings. graduation is looming in the near distance and i don't know what to do except breathe.

ashes

i rubbed my forehead absentmindedly, causing all the ashes to fall. 

i hope to find mercy in the midst of my failure.

harsh words, burnt toast and jealousy.

maybe there is a Redeemer.

  

couldn't resist....

i once had a xanga. when that became tiresome, i left. but i couldn't resist the urge to lay it all out in this realfake internet world we call cyberspace, so here i am again. i hope you don't mind.

my hair is growing out. i cut it once, to find a little more of myself. that being done, i'm trying to reclaim what i was. but this time, i want to be better.

and this is my ordinary life.