Ordinary Life

2010-03-07T19:29:00.001-08:00

There is a new library open near my house! Tanner and I plan to go there tomorrow to obtain cards - and then the world of literature will be open again. It's been so long since I've had a library card and actually used it. We went to the library every week when I was little, and the librarians always knew what we were studying because my mother would reserve stacks of books on each subject. Ah, good memories.

In other news, I am watching the Office. Still love that show. Jim and Pam are having a baby. It's so epic. I love other people's babies!

Speaking of other people's babies, Joseph and Jen came to visit and I got to hold River :) That was fun, we love them.

That's about it.

Good night.

2010-02-06T16:44:00.000-08:00

I feel the beginning of something. I have a few really courageous friends who are stepping out into the future of their lives, and frankly, they inspire me.

This is not to say that I have never thought about courage in my own life. Or even that I have not been courageous. (Moved to completely new city, got a job, started the awkward making new friends phase - pretty darn brave, if you ask my biased self.) is to I'm just saying that a little log on the fire never hurt anyone.

Someone said to me today "What's the point of courage without fear? What's the point of staying faithful if everything is always good?" Well, there is a point, but I get yours. Where is the challenge if there is no obstacle? Every hero has a hurdle they jump and an enemy they kill. My first one is fear.

I think I may try something that terrifies and intrigues me. It probably doesn't terrify many others, but when you face your own goals and realize that you just don't know how they will come to be (or fail), it's a pretty big deal.

And hey, it's my blog (which oh so few people read), I can deal with any thing I want on here.

Here's to Moses, his stutter, and just how big and powerful God is. I'm excited about that part.

2010-02-01T18:34:00.000-08:00

I unpack boxes because I want to settle. In the best sense, to let my heart rest - not that other way of using the word, to accept something less than best. But my heart flip flops between the two of them, not quite settling, in either sense.

Sometimes I remember to be still and to accept, at the same time. To keep my high hopes, to let them float ever higher to be shaped and formed until the image of Christ is present in the pictures of my heart. To accept every day, to own up to every decision, to trust that the path I have chosen and keep choosing is right and good, for me in my here and now life.

It's in living with both of these that I take my daily stroll, sometimes mentally, through this home and hold picture frames up to walls, or scoot the couch one way or the other. I want to be rooted, with the ability to fly; I want to dream and adventure with the understanding that my home is right here, waiting, as comfy and cozy as my old pink bathrobe.

I'm going to hang some things on the walls tonight.

Abide.

2009-12-12T20:34:00.001-08:00

I am sitting in Panera, the only place where I can get the internet. We just moved to a new condo and our lives have not gotten as organized as I wish they were. I guess there really isn't much to do now but wait, work and make sure to get enough sleep. The details will follow soon.

I am stealing a quote from an email I received recently (you probably got it too, if you graduated from Westmont in 2009...), hope you like it. I do.

"You are so young, so much before all beginning, and I would like to beg you, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." Ranier Maria Rilke

moving and packing and moving.

2009-12-03T07:09:00.000-08:00

We are moving. It is quite foggy and grey outside, but I have the day off and just over half of my current home is stuffed into nice brown boxes. Today's mission is to complete the task. And also figure out christmas gifts....

Note: my computer has died, and I have to use Tanner's, so that is why my blog has been so wholly neglected. Perhaps that will change in the nearish future.

Off to make a cup of tea. Happy Thursday.

2009-09-10T22:52:00.001-07:00

I really wish I knew how to love.

Sunday

2009-09-06T17:13:00.001-07:00

We went to church today.

It was amazing.

Who knew?

2009-09-03T10:56:00.000-07:00

We're having our first guest tonight! Homemade pizza is on the menu, probably accompanied by beer (diet coke for me, not into that nasty stuff) and maybe a movie?

Can't wait!

Also, confession:
I think I am becoming addicted to watching The Secret Life of the American Teenager.

Don't judge too harshly.

LOVE!

2009-09-02T11:19:00.000-07:00

I would love to invite you over, but unfortunately, you probably live at least 6 hours away. Not exactly the kind of drive you can make before dinner.

Also, my new home is a disaster.

When my husband (!) and I came back from our Tahoe extravaganza (it was awesome - ask me about the hot air ), our living room was piled high with wedding presents. Many thanks to those of you who are responsible- unwrapping presents is a joy not to be reserved for Christmas and Birthdays. I think we ought to give gifts more often, and much more liberally. Wonder what the world would be like if we did that?

I digress.

The challenge of integrating all the stuff of our lives is proving a daunting task. I've shoved things in the closets, piled things on top of shelves and closed just enough cabinet doors to make it livable - mostly. I'm supposed to be doing more of this at the moment, but I haven't gotten myself off the couch quite yet.

(Don't judge, I've been on Craigslist looking for jobs. It was only recently that I checked facebook and started blogging.)

I am a firm believer that our living spaces reflect in certain ways, the state of our minds and emotions. To understand my heart, you'll just need to look in closet: the clothes are, for the most part, all hung up. Not in good order, sometimes multiple items are on one hanger, but everything is behind the glass doors. My kitchen is another example: boxes on the floor, some spices won't fit in the cupboard, some dishes are clean and some are not...

Our Sacramento Adventure has begun.

Can't sleep

2009-08-18T02:31:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's the relocation anxiety, or maybe it's because my wedding is 4 days away....(!) Checked some blogs, ran through tomorrow's activities, cleaned some of the house, fretted about tedious and temporal things like timing and face painting (thank you Saul at the Prescriptives counter).

All while that beautiful man sleeps like a baby in the next room.

Just doesn't seem fair, does it? It must be better this way, I can take a sleeping pill and knock myself out for the next few evenings, but he's up and running at 6am, five days a week. Welcome to real life. Well, real enough.

Still waiting to see where our dreams head us, what adventures grow out of our new life, new home, new job, new everything.

Still hoping to keep old things too, like the Christmas ornaments my mom packed up and left in my living room, the china hutch that is slightly too big for my apartment (but Tanner lets me keep it), and the lovely people I've made space for in my heart.

I might go try one of those new pillows now, we'll see if we can't contradict our own title.

Fridays are lovely.

2009-06-05T12:20:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile. Life happens.

Today, due to rain, I am feeling crafty, clean-y and domestic. So I made oatmeal brown sugar muffins (roommate Jess said they were good - I have to agree), and some spur of the moment candles. I love candles, and I have wanted to make some jar candles for a long time. So, I did. My laundry is in the dryer and I am enjoying the day off. It's peaceful.

Our home looks bigger now that we moved most of Danielle and Becca's stuff out. I like that feeling too. New roomie Chelsea is a beautiful addition to the ladies of 141 Holly Ave #10. She has the gentlest spirit, but an incredible zest and spunk at the same time. I like people like that. We went for a walk on the beach last night, the moon was incredible. The waves on the beach looked like liquid silk.

I have so many adventures coming up- Macbeth (woohoo!), quitting my job (not as much of a woohoo), moving... I feel the need to just sit and soak in all the things swirling around me.

In other news, I am cutting my hair today. With Jessica. She is my buddy.

Untitled.

2009-05-03T18:39:00.001-07:00

Sometimes this blank screen is overwhelming.

ho hum.

2009-04-23T08:21:00.000-07:00

The frustrating thing about small bathrooms is that they get all steamed up from the shower and you don't feel comfortable drying your hair in there. Oh well.

Nothing extraordinary is happening today. So far.

21

2009-04-19T18:28:00.001-07:00

My first official drink as an adult was gifted to me by the bartender at the Blaine, MN VFW, where my dear friend Cathy was married to her love of 6 years, himself a veteran of a foreign war. (this most recent one, indeed.) It was a cheap white wine (because I like cold drinks) and I sipped it out of a plastic cup, because that's how life goes when you live in Blaine and go to the VFW for your wedding reception.

I intend to drink other things out of much nicer glasses in the future. But, as I sipped that "first" drink, I felt so many other things. Weddings are funny, in the way that they can creep up on you and control you with their lists and lists of details, and in the way that they suddenly grab hold of your heart and squeeze til tears drip down your face.

Ok, so I cried. It's just that she was so beautiful. And He loved her so much. And it was just that the Spirit was really present.

So, yes, I did cry. (I knew I would, so I wore waterproof mascara) But, I also realized that when you get married, it's really not about the cups and the linens and the candles and the Michelob brand light shining in all it's magnificence in the middle of your reception site. It's about love. Plain, old, life transforming, heart healing love.

I was sad that I couldn't be in more than one place at a time - Michael married his love Carly yesterday. (I'm sure I would have cried at that wedding too) Congratulations to them, and so many blessings. Can't wait to see the pictures :)

I'm learning a lot- wish I could explain it all to you. Let's just say that my life is turning inside out and upside down. Buy me a drink, and I'd love to tell you all about it.

Vacation of two days.

2009-04-11T09:50:00.000-07:00

Here's to weekends off! There are three women that I love to spend my time next to - we look completely different, but we live in the same house, share the same shower and all love Chai tea. How excellent.

1.

2009-04-05T20:12:00.000-07:00

My brother is going to Iraq in 9 days. How do you cope with that?

waves

2009-03-31T11:32:00.000-07:00

I just sat on the beach and contemplated forgiveness.

And then I saw a dolphin.

It's been awhile.

2009-03-29T20:09:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I got into my car with a friend. I turned on her favorite (though cheesy) radio station. The windows were rolled down, and the sun was shining, as it should in lovely Santa Barbara. She started to sing along, and her hands moved in time with the Backstreet Boys, Celine Dion and someone else I didn't recognize. But she knew every word. And soon, I joined in. We turned it up loud and enjoyed ourselves while people stared. It was good. A bright moment in the midst of an otherwise confused and cloudy little week.

Another fine day, I drove up a hill and parked (turn the wheels up, up and away!) and walked down a driveway only to be hailed by 10 or so middle schoolers - "HEATHER!!!!!" they screamed and ran at me, sharing crazy bits of their week, spilling over with excitement over our play and their Spring Break. I loved them, but I am relieved to be finished with my stint at jr. high.

Things I am grateful for:
John's acceptance to his choices for graduate schools
Kate's bright spirit and ability to love on me without strings attached
Seeing Josh at a party
The one weekend a year that we're planning to save for the girls
Finding a dress for Kelly to wear at my wedding
Peanut butter
Michael's wish coming true in just a few days
Jessica's new wedding dress
Being trained in CPR

There is more to say, but I don't know how.

Yellow and Chocolate

2009-03-04T20:59:00.000-08:00

I have very good friends. After disappointment (sometimes it just keeps coming), they find a way to be present. Like making a cake and listening to the Jackson Five. And loving me.

maybe.

2009-03-03T23:34:00.000-08:00

There is a yucky thing that happens when you grow. You usually end up moving away and changing and living in a new city.

But there are other good things that happen too.

my little life.

2009-03-02T22:53:00.000-08:00

I am inspired by people who can find it in themselves to blog regularly. Obviously, I am not one of those people. I really do think about writing all the time, pithy little posts that never make it past my mind and down into the computer and out into Cyberland (which is almost as good as Candyland, but not quite. I love that game).

But here I am. Hello.

I have continued my flossing experiment. I have not missed a day yet, though there have been some close calls when I thought I might run out of floss after the stores had closed. Thankfully, the Floss Fairy saw fit to bestow extra floss on me at just the right moments, so I have never been without. Hopefully my dental health is taking a turn for the better. I'm sure you are all very excited about that.

My teaching job is going along nicely as well. We have our performance on the 26th of this month, so we're getting close. We're putting together a showcase of some games, scenes, monologues and poems. It's a whirlwind, but I am really getting to enjoy the students. I don't know where teaching/theatre are going to live in my life, but this has been fun and challenging so far. Jr. High is just such an awkward age - but I really do have a good time with those gangly little half grown-ups. We need a name for the piece, though, that's bugging me. And a set design (where are you Suzy Galletly when I need you!?). Oh heck, we need another 3 months of rehearsal, but we'll be fine. It's all about the process and the learning, right? Right. But if you have any ideas for a name, let me know. Seriously.

I feel like I'm learning in a completely different way than I did at Westmont. While there was a gradual sense to that kind of learning, it also was full of "Eureka" moments - little epiphanies (sp?) where the clouds parted and I knew I had learned something. It felt so good, refreshing and invigorating. This current kind of learning is not completely lacking in cloud breaks, but they seem to be few and far between. It's like I'm walking instead of jumping, sometimes just more of a simple plodding along the same track instead of the former soaring and dipping and free falling I used to feel.

Speaking of learning, I have a thought on Lent. Now, I was never really taught about Lenten Fasts, or Fasting in general, but I am a supporter of the discipline. (I am not, however, skilled in it) Well, my house decided to cover up all our mirrors for Lent. As the days pass, and I brush my teeth in front of a white piece of paper instead of my reflection, I'm coming to realize that it's really not about the mirrors. (duh, was it ever?) It's about what I'm intent upon seeing. So, no, I'm not freaking out if I accidentally see my reflection in the rearview mirror or at someone's home. I'm just trying to remember what I'm supposed to be looking at, looking for and looking to.

Ok, good night.

Employed

2009-02-03T22:41:00.000-08:00

I am now a working woman. Despite the helpful suggestions of my friends (hey Heather, why don't you apply for this job on Craigslist, as a "Romance Specialist;" or you could be an egg donor! $5,000 a pop!), I found a job and successfully gave away a million signatures, which means I am committed. And I am so thankful. Life is going to look a little different in the near future - giving up some things I always took for granted, and learning to accept the unforseen gifts of the future (how pretentious was that little phrase?).

Forgive me, I've been awake too long.

I went to Denny's with the boys this morning. I dragged myself out of bed at 5:00am so I could be showered and dressed and in Santa Barbara by 5:45 to pick them all up. We had a lovely time eating free breakfast. Denny's wanted to feed America - and damnit, I am an American. And, I really love pancakes. And hanging out with the boys. So, overall, t'was a nice (early!) morning. Oh, and I saw Danielle before I left. Imagine that.

I think that if ever I am a mother, I shall like to make pancakes in the morning. And probably for dinner sometimes, too.

Tomorrow I will be brave:
I will go to the DMV and become a Californian.
Then I will schedule meetings, and cross things off of my to do list.
Then I will drive to L.A. by myself.
Then I will teach theatre to my peers, by myself.

Ok, good night. I'm going to go floss.

1:05 am

2009-01-31T00:55:00.000-08:00

I feel like either the pressure is lifting off
or settling down into my bones.

to and fro

and away

we go!

Enjoy it while it lasts, Baby.

2009-01-19T12:33:00.001-08:00

Because it's over sooner than you think.

That advice applies to lots of things, not just college. But it is interesting how I really wish that I could take more classes (even hard ones) now that I can't. Funny.

Anyway, I'm still alive. Life does continue after classes end. Also funny.

And God is still good.

I'm going to read on the beach.

Something New

2009-01-15T12:45:00.001-08:00

Change of plans, came home early. Mom booked the wrong ticket, so I'm home and settled 24 hours ahead of schedule.

This time I want something new and lasting, where the pages don't get messy with my writing and my sloppy fingerprints. Where God says hello and I can finally listen. Where my reflection doesn't make me worry about the things that aren't there, but makes me rejoice in all that I see and all that I hope for.

Life is about more than school, more than a job, or a person, more than a self. But it feels awfully empty without those things sometimes. Here's to finding and growing.

Among other things, it is warm in California.

Sunday

2009-01-11T17:27:00.001-08:00

Today I read the Magician's Nephew, instead of going to church. I fell asleep in the middle, but finished it when I woke up. I must say it was more edifying than Bride Wars, which I went to see with my little sister after reading. But what is Christmas break for, if not to read good books and watch silly movies?

On Tuesday I will get on a plane, wedding dress in hand, and fly to California, where I will eat dinner with my grandparents, sleep a bit, and then drive five hours back to my little Apt. #10 and then start the rest of my life. In a much warmer climate.

I'm trying to be hopeful and not doubtful, to trust in the Giver to be Good. And I must say that I am not good, trusting or a giver, so it's not coming that easily. I'm wondering about God. My questions are slightly cliche, but they're still mine and I still have to deal with them. We'll see what happens. It might just turn out to be an adventure.

I hope so.

New resolution: Start writing more letters.

Flossing.

2009-01-07T21:09:00.000-08:00

I am, like most average Americans, fairly good at dropping New Year's Resolutions about half-way through January or February. But, again, like most average Americans, this year I am committed to sticking with my resolution for 2009. What is it? Floss every day. It's healthy, it's easier to do than some other resolutions, like say lose 40lbs. or start running every day or start eating strictly vegan. So far, I'm right on track with the flossing thing. Haven't missed a day. (we'll check back in mid January to see if 2009 really is a year for change.)

I have a bunch of other resolutions, but I haven't made them official, as I'm sure that they will pose more of a challenge to me than flossing. They're more like life resolutions. Among them is "love my friends," particularly those of the female persuasion. If you happen to be one, I love you.

Oh, and I bought a wedding dress.

thoughts to some women....

2008-12-03T21:53:00.000-08:00

r) it seems to me that the way you're treating her isn't right. you're not listening. you aren't trying to change, are you? some people would call this attitude selfishness... please don't make this our issue, it's really not an issue at all. let the illusion of horror fall away, stop carrying it in your eyes. it's going to work out. who knows? maybe you will fall in love with a spirit distinct from your own.

e) sometimes i wonder what it is that you really need; a spanking, someone to listen, some time away? but i'm not sure that any of those things (or what you are doing now) is going to help. maybe you just need the wind and the presence and the cleansing of a fire. it's all going to fall apart eventually, please find the things that won't.

b) for you, dear one: oh how glad i am of your life! you have grown and you are growing and it's nice to see you smile. thanks for being a safe, live, active place. if i could give you something, i'd give you peace. it will happen, the contentment and the joy that are present in small places in your life will blossom in the presence.

d) i have loved you since we met and your rough edges are part of your charm. thank you for being the knight lady in shining armour so often, the one you're currently defending is in need of it. and you need to do it, i think it will work some forgiveness and healing in you. please let that justice be fulfilled with mercy and forgiveness.

j) thank you for the kindness of your care. it's simplicity is what makes it beautiful. i wonder what you would be without the insecurity and stress? maybe that sweet little light inside you would break open something new and gorgeous. yes, i think it would... i hope that you will let this present time float in and around you in freedom and trust.

Clown Spirit

2008-11-11T22:43:00.000-08:00

Faster than your worries and louder than your critic.

In other news, I am engaged. You all know that already, but it's fun to announce it to cyberspace anyway.

So far, I know nothing. Except that I am loved, that I love and that God is love. That ought to be enough.

"Oh, Time, thou must untangle this, not I. 'Tis too hard a knot for me to untie"

2008-10-20T00:12:00.000-07:00

Two performances in, and three more to go. I will miss this play.
Oh hell, I'm going to miss this year.

Tonight I saw a very sweet looking old man sing with great fervor. It was one of the most beautiful things I have seen in a long while. His name was Leo.

I'm feeling the stranglehold of stress and anxiety again. Sometimes I can peel the sticky fingers of worry off of my throat, but I'm getting weaker with every thought of December.

People told me I was good. They used words like "mesmerizing" and "riveting." I feel the expectation growing, but the the map is still blurry. Maybe the clouds will part and God will speak. It's happened before.

Friday's midterm: definitely referred to God as She. For the entire four pages. It was an experiment, and I'm still wondering what the results were, for me, my grades and my teacher.

The roomie bought The Dress. "It's weird to think that this will be the last thing I wear as a virgin." Yes, I guess it is. But I'm so glad you're happy about it.

When I am 21, I hope people will still be interested in going out at night for a drink; sometimes I worry that all the fun will be used up before I can participate.

that damn dress

2008-10-04T00:16:00.000-07:00

It is not the dress whore. I refuse to allow that. I'm clinging on to something that I thought made me beautiful, but you keep wearing it, looking thinner and more like Barbie than I ever could. Damn it. Not one but two and three and four and now we're just counting.

Sometimes thoughts like this make me sick. I wish I could just vomit them out of my system and be done with it, but they stick to my throat, my mouth and hands like some nasty kind of glue.

[no title]

2008-10-02T10:45:00.000-07:00

I want to share, but I don't know what to say. I've said it all before, and now it feels stale.

"Heather! You're graduating in three months!"

"I know. Don't talk about it."

I met a man at Starbuck's yesterday. The summary of his advice:
Don't get messed up on pride, drugs and most of all, don't get involved with any guy right now.
Follow your dreams, go where the "the-ay-ter" is, and hang out with the people who made it, not the ones who are trying to make it. But above all, love the people around you, 'cause when you've made it, you don't want more money, you want love.

I smiled and nodded a lot, because I believed him.

thankful.

2008-08-31T18:18:00.000-07:00

My tired legs are very thankful for Danielle's (new roommate+old friend!) heat pad thingy. It's filled with herbs that smell nice when warmed, and it feels good on the backs of my knees. No, waitressing is not a career option for me.

My ears are very thankful for Katie's Weepies CD. Sometimes all you need is a little Deb Talan and Co. to keep you happy.

My eyes are very thankful for the new curtains finally installed by yours truly. Cornflower blue is quite peaceful.

I think tonight I shall memorize Thursday's audition monologue. Perhaps.

lovely. absolutely lovely.

2008-08-26T19:04:00.000-07:00

It's not that I am jealous. It's just that you're leaving... kinda. I mean, you'll still be here, but you'll be there more than here. With me, I mean. There, not here. I'm glad for you, happy, ecstatic, so thrilled - I've got that jump-for-joy smile on my face! Most of the time. Except when I'm crying because I can't stand this. Any of it. Nothing. Could we just rewind? Please? Last year, when dreams weren't quite coming true, wasn't everything fine?

(Oh, I am Anne of Green Gables, aren't I?)

I think maybe that the dreams seem so clear for you, from my perspective. He's wonderful, she's great for you, that's such a good school, you really have such potential and so many open doors! And you know, God opens doors and closes them, so you're really well taken care of. Right? Right. From here, everything is clear as those freshly cleaned glasses in our dishdrainer.... hmm, that metaphor doesn't work well, does it? The water stains remind me of all the clouds on my horizon, all the worries and fears and giant Goliath question marks. And I'm not as faithful or trusting as that old stone slinger we hear about.

(Oh, if I could just relax!)

It's hard to live just today and to trust that I'll be given the dreams and the purpose I'm lacking. That hole in my heart makes me a little shaky. But, my oh my, did you look lovely this afternoon. I know... it'll be ok. Good. Great. Perfect. Yes, you looked lovely.

From the Waitress....

2008-08-02T18:54:00.001-07:00

Tips for those who enjoy dining out:

When your waitress asks "are you ready to order?" don't say yes unless you are indeed completely ready to order.

When the person next to you orders water and you think you might want one too, don't wait til she comes back with your neighbor's water to order your own. Pretty sure that the pitcher/tap is in the same place and she'll just have to walk back there again.

Also, if you want a lemon, or ice, or prefer your H2O iceless, just specify. It's not that much extra work for you and saves her yet another trip.

Please refrain from asking for the list of salad dressings and side dishes multiple times at one table. It's listed in the menu, she always says it at least once, so just be a dear and listen when she's talking.

If the waitress says "Hello, how are you?" the polite response is "Hello. I'm well, how are you?" Not "I'd like a BLT and a diet coke. Oh and what side dishes do you have?"

Try ordering something that she suggests. She works there, you know. But never, and I repeat NEVER, say "you pick." That, my friend, is a horrible thing to do to a woman who already has enough things to balance besides trying to make sure she can read your mind and decide what you could possibly like to eat. You're an adult, you can pick your own meal, I'm sure.

If dining with children, make sure they get lids for their cups. And if you could corral all the crayons before you leave, you might just get yourself another crown in heaven.

Also, if dining with children, leave a sizable tip.

For that matter, leave a sizable tip any time you dine out. That girl is working her ass off trying to keep you happy, so cut her a break and say thank you in a way that she'll be able to use. Smiles are great too, but honestly she's a working girl and most likely needs to pay rent. Maybe she'll go to graduate school someday and end up being your therapist. Wouldn't you want her to be as well adjusted and as prepared as possible? Tipping that few extra dollars now is a small price to pay for her to keep her sanity.... who knows? In the future, she might help you keep yours.

to do lists.... oh how they multiply

2008-07-22T14:04:00.000-07:00

Days pass faster than I ever thought they could. I have a few hours until the work week starts (my delayed version in which the weekend is comprised of Monday and Tuesday), and more weekend work left than I would like to shove into them. But, I have crossed a few things off my list (the list that keeps me feeling sane, whether or not I really am) such as:

make bed
email Mitchell re: Sr. Project
volunteer at The Friendship Center (where an old man told me that if he was my age we would be engaged right now. Such a proposal, eh?)
clean out purse

But best of all was that I finished Grace (Eventually) by Anne Lamott. So lovely. I highly recommend it.

Shalom.

A time for everything

2008-06-11T16:30:00.000-07:00

In the quietness of my afternoon, I'm surprised again by joy and purpose. Sometimes my mornings, in their silence and stillness, are haunted by fear and doubt of the Giver's goodness. Even worse are the moments, lukewarm and bland, when I cannot or do not rejoice in this place, this time, these people, this love. But for today, Ecclesiastes allows me to see that purpose and purposelessness go hand in hand. For today, for right now, I will be at peace.

Tomorrow will come soon enough.

Quote of the day

2008-06-04T10:24:00.000-07:00

"Remember, like the sparrow, you don't have to worry."
J.A.J.

2008-05-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

Two things come to my mind tonight:

Facebook is seriously one of my worst habits. I spend more time there looking at old friends' profiles than I do actually conversing with said friends. That needs to change. (ok, so maybe it's not really one of my worst habits, it just sounded nice and dramatic... it still needs to change).

I hope to be the kind of woman who has lots of tea in her home - and is usually available for an hour conversation. I think that could possibly be my vocation. I'd rather that than 60 hours a week at the office....

And one more:
I am making bread tonight.

may morning musings

2008-05-28T09:23:00.001-07:00

I'm missing something, and I haven't quite found out what it is. There's a hollowness here, despite the laughter I find living with five friends. I don't think we've worked out all the kinks of 141 Holly Ave. yet... sometimes I get discouraged and don't think we ever will, all of us with our wildly different ideas and perceptions of this Holly home. Dishes and trash and mail and rent - who knew these things could be so controversial and problematic? The stress level in this house is greater than I wish it. I do not know how to puncture that ever inflating balloon - you know, the one that no one talks about, but everyone feels. Is everyone happy living this way? "It will get better when Jess comes back," we all say it, but I don't know how much we really believe in Miss Vergini's powers of balance.

Santa Barbara is just an arms reach away, which means that I see the boy I love everyday (16 months today). And what is wrong with that? Minnesota is too far to go home to, but even when I did, I felt the failure of my lack of love in the anger and frustration of my parents. So maybe that $329 plane ticket really ought to go to some other deserving daughter, and not this one. Walking with some anxiety to work, crying or rejoicing on my way back, depending on my day, has saved some gas money. The emotional struggle puts me in daily contact with my fears of inadequacy. Sometimes I pray well... others I do not. But the day will come when I must conquer the teeter totter of my emotional and anxiety-filled self, and I hope that this summer (this day, today) will be the beginning of that journey.

What am I learning? I have no idea. But I did make a deposit of money that I earned all on my own. Baby steps toward adulthood, beginning with an ATM. And maybe, somewhere, Jesus will catch me and make me remember who He is.

love never fails.

2008-05-13T14:14:00.000-07:00

I am grateful for the security of love. I look forward to the adventure - all the butterflies my stomach can handle. I enjoy the peace it brings to my daily walking from here to there. And I ache to see it grow so big that even my cup, the one that sometimes seems half empty, will overflow all over the floor.

say goodbye

2008-04-30T10:08:00.001-07:00

one final to go
gotta clean the house
get a job
move out

rejoice

19 no longer

2008-04-18T13:55:00.000-07:00

My thoughts on turning 20, growing up, moving out of OV, life, etc - in no particular order:

1. my apartment- i will miss intimacy that allows for such irreverence and raw honesty.

2. i look forward to making theatre. yes, i will make theatre. there, i said it.

3. isn't it sad that nothing really changes when you turn 20? oh well, there's always next year.

4. can 6 women really live together?

5. of course they can. i hope.

6. and God is still Jehovah Jireh.

7. i really enjoy being the age i am. really. i'm glad to be young and i can't wait to be old.

8. chocolate chip pancakes have never tasted as good as they did this morning at 7:42 am.

9. i miss my family. it's an ache of the heart that feels deep and rich, and it throbs a little when the 5 year old says "i love you" through the phone.

10. i love saraZ's onion painting in the basement of the library. i want to buy it from her and put in my house.

11. i am happy.

12. i am content.

i could use some direction. please.

2008-03-25T18:23:00.000-07:00

i'm getting worried. the natural, usual worries that accompany children/young adults/humans of my age. you know, things like "what am i going to do with my life?" it's hard to be peaceful right now, when i don't know which direction this little life should take.

and the frustrating thing is that no one else can answer this for me, and no one really wants to.

provision

2008-03-12T12:45:00.000-07:00

... and Jehovah Jireh sometimes acts through roommates who can't finish their peanutbutter (and chocolate!) blenders. funny how i notice it most when the fridge is bare.

there is something special about this adventure in simple living, if i can even presume to call it that. (we spend more money than i want to think about on tuition and housing) yet, this chosen period of thriftiness seems to be curbing some of my materialism, waste (and waist?) and hopefully, fear. i see the Provider working in little things: clothes from a friend, hotel soap from my traveling father, and the consistent coffee dates that my boyfriend is so sweet to initiate. And then again, we do have things like Diana's famous Chili Shit (one can of vegetarian chili + all the shit left in the fridge and cupboards = one miraculous meal) and the almost never ending box of pancake mix (which calls for milk and eggs, but tastes fine with just water).

forgive me for taking this out of context, but if God is for us, who can be against us?

here's to living on less, sharing more and laughing all the while.

3:05 on Wednesday

2008-03-05T14:54:00.000-08:00

Grace is sometimes gritty, like the face scrub I keep in the shower. It rubs and rubs until the bad stuff flakes off, revealing a fresh perspective and another chance to be really beautiful.

And sometimes it's like a Trader Joe's peanut butter cup before dinner: exactly the best kind of sweetness, unexpected and unearned. Often, though, it's like my 2 hour shift at the switch, long and persistent, a slow dependable benefit.

struggling

2008-02-22T14:36:00.001-08:00

why it is so difficult for me to make a decision, i have no idea.

just a simple yes or no, red or blue, this or that.

it's not complicated.

usually, that is.

i suppose it does depend on the question....

ok, choose.

the growth of self-confidence pt. 1

2008-02-19T11:28:00.000-08:00

i am enjoying this small bit of cyberspace. it is like owning my own little closet where i can write on the walls and sing out loud, without worrying if my roommates will laugh at me.
they can sing, you know, with their loud strong voices, as if they were on stage with the lights in their eyes, shooting colors and poetry past their lips. my voice comes out softer, written or spoken, with less abandon and fewer tints and tones.

i'm happy to speak out here... though, between you and i, it is still a little intimidating. sometimes i feel like white rice, or mashed potatoes - accompanying and supporting the women in my life whose lives are blossoming around me.

but i do still like to sing, even if it's just a baby song, or an old hymn i learned back in kindergarten.

The (soon to be) Fosters

2008-02-15T08:40:00.000-08:00

it's beautiful, three stones and a smooth band that wraps around her finger as no other ring could. they laughed and cried and we all smiled and yelled out our congratulations, sipping on our sparkling cider because we're too young and too poor to buy Champagne.

and then i cried a bit, because we're all growing up, despite our youth. two of us are ready to walk an aisle, with at least two more waiting on the wings. graduation is looming in the near distance and i don't know what to do except breathe.

ashes

2008-02-06T12:40:00.000-08:00

i rubbed my forehead absentmindedly, causing all the ashes to fall.

i hope to find mercy in the midst of my failure.

harsh words, burnt toast and jealousy.

maybe there is a Redeemer.

couldn't resist....

2008-02-03T01:21:00.000-08:00

i once had a xanga. when that became tiresome, i left. but i couldn't resist the urge to lay it all out in this realfake internet world we call cyberspace, so here i am again. i hope you don't mind.

my hair is growing out. i cut it once, to find a little more of myself. that being done, i'm trying to reclaim what i was. but this time, i want to be better.

and this is my ordinary life.