There is a new library open near my house! Tanner and I plan to go there tomorrow to obtain cards - and then the world of literature will be open again. It's been so long since I've had a library card and actually used it. We went to the library every week when I was little, and the librarians always knew what we were studying because my mother would reserve stacks of books on each subject. Ah, good memories.

In other news, I am watching the Office. Still love that show. Jim and Pam are having a baby. It's so epic. I love other people's babies!

Speaking of other people's babies, Joseph and Jen came to visit and I got to hold River :) That was fun, we love them.

That's about it.

Good night.

I feel the beginning of something. I have a few really courageous friends who are stepping out into the future of their lives, and frankly, they inspire me.

This is not to say that I have never thought about courage in my own life. Or even that I have not been courageous. (Moved to completely new city, got a job, started the awkward making new friends phase - pretty darn brave, if you ask my biased self.) is to I'm just saying that a little log on the fire never hurt anyone.

Someone said to me today "What's the point of courage without fear? What's the point of staying faithful if everything is always good?" Well, there is a point, but I get yours. Where is the challenge if there is no obstacle? Every hero has a hurdle they jump and an enemy they kill. My first one is fear.

I think I may try something that terrifies and intrigues me. It probably doesn't terrify many others, but when you face your own goals and realize that you just don't know how they will come to be (or fail), it's a pretty big deal.

And hey, it's my blog (which oh so few people read), I can deal with any thing I want on here.

Here's to Moses, his stutter, and just how big and powerful God is. I'm excited about that part.

I unpack boxes because I want to settle. In the best sense, to let my heart rest - not that other way of using the word, to accept something less than best. But my heart flip flops between the two of them, not quite settling, in either sense.

Sometimes I remember to be still and to accept, at the same time. To keep my high hopes, to let them float ever higher to be shaped and formed until the image of Christ is present in the pictures of my heart. To accept every day, to own up to every decision, to trust that the path I have chosen and keep choosing is right and good, for me in my here and now life.

It's in living with both of these that I take my daily stroll, sometimes mentally, through this home and hold picture frames up to walls, or scoot the couch one way or the other. I want to be rooted, with the ability to fly; I want to dream and adventure with the understanding that my home is right here, waiting, as comfy and cozy as my old pink bathrobe.

I'm going to hang some things on the walls tonight.

Abide.

I am sitting in Panera, the only place where I can get the internet. We just moved to a new condo and our lives have not gotten as organized as I wish they were. I guess there really isn't much to do now but wait, work and make sure to get enough sleep. The details will follow soon.

I am stealing a quote from an email I received recently (you probably got it too, if you graduated from Westmont in 2009...), hope you like it. I do.

"You are so young, so much before all beginning, and I would like to beg you, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." Ranier Maria Rilke

moving and packing and moving.

We are moving. It is quite foggy and grey outside, but I have the day off and just over half of my current home is stuffed into nice brown boxes. Today's mission is to complete the task. And also figure out christmas gifts....

Note: my computer has died, and I have to use Tanner's, so that is why my blog has been so wholly neglected. Perhaps that will change in the nearish future.

Off to make a cup of tea. Happy Thursday.

I really wish I knew how to love.

Sunday

We went to church today.


It was amazing.


Who knew?

We're having our first guest tonight! Homemade pizza is on the menu, probably accompanied by beer (diet coke for me, not into that nasty stuff) and maybe a movie?

Can't wait!

Also, confession:
I think I am becoming addicted to watching The Secret Life of the American Teenager.

Don't judge too harshly.


LOVE!

I would love to invite you over, but unfortunately, you probably live at least 6 hours away. Not exactly the kind of drive you can make before dinner.

Also, my new home is a disaster.

When my husband (!) and I came back from our Tahoe extravaganza (it was awesome - ask me about the hot air ), our living room was piled high with wedding presents. Many thanks to those of you who are responsible- unwrapping presents is a joy not to be reserved for Christmas and Birthdays. I think we ought to give gifts more often, and much more liberally. Wonder what the world would be like if we did that?

I digress.

The challenge of integrating all the stuff of our lives is proving a daunting task. I've shoved things in the closets, piled things on top of shelves and closed just enough cabinet doors to make it livable - mostly. I'm supposed to be doing more of this at the moment, but I haven't gotten myself off the couch quite yet.

(Don't judge, I've been on Craigslist looking for jobs. It was only recently that I checked facebook and started blogging.)

I am a firm believer that our living spaces reflect in certain ways, the state of our minds and emotions. To understand my heart, you'll just need to look in closet: the clothes are, for the most part, all hung up. Not in good order, sometimes multiple items are on one hanger, but everything is behind the glass doors. My kitchen is another example: boxes on the floor, some spices won't fit in the cupboard, some dishes are clean and some are not...

Our Sacramento Adventure has begun.

Can't sleep

Maybe it's the relocation anxiety, or maybe it's because my wedding is 4 days away....(!) Checked some blogs, ran through tomorrow's activities, cleaned some of the house, fretted about tedious and temporal things like timing and face painting (thank you Saul at the Prescriptives counter).

All while that beautiful man sleeps like a baby in the next room.

Just doesn't seem fair, does it? It must be better this way, I can take a sleeping pill and knock myself out for the next few evenings, but he's up and running at 6am, five days a week. Welcome to real life. Well, real enough.

Still waiting to see where our dreams head us, what adventures grow out of our new life, new home, new job, new everything.

Still hoping to keep old things too, like the Christmas ornaments my mom packed up and left in my living room, the china hutch that is slightly too big for my apartment (but Tanner lets me keep it), and the lovely people I've made space for in my heart.

I might go try one of those new pillows now, we'll see if we can't contradict our own title.

Fridays are lovely.

It's been awhile. Life happens.

Today, due to rain, I am feeling crafty, clean-y and domestic. So I made oatmeal brown sugar muffins (roommate Jess said they were good - I have to agree), and some spur of the moment candles. I love candles, and I have wanted to make some jar candles for a long time. So, I did. My laundry is in the dryer and I am enjoying the day off. It's peaceful.

Our home looks bigger now that we moved most of Danielle and Becca's stuff out. I like that feeling too. New roomie Chelsea is a beautiful addition to the ladies of 141 Holly Ave #10. She has the gentlest spirit, but an incredible zest and spunk at the same time. I like people like that. We went for a walk on the beach last night, the moon was incredible. The waves on the beach looked like liquid silk.

I have so many adventures coming up- Macbeth (woohoo!), quitting my job (not as much of a woohoo), moving... I feel the need to just sit and soak in all the things swirling around me.

In other news, I am cutting my hair today. With Jessica. She is my buddy.

Untitled.

Sometimes this blank screen is overwhelming.

ho hum.

The frustrating thing about small bathrooms is that they get all steamed up from the shower and you don't feel comfortable drying your hair in there. Oh well.

Nothing extraordinary is happening today. So far.

21

My first official drink as an adult was gifted to me by the bartender at the Blaine, MN VFW, where my dear friend Cathy was married to her love of 6 years, himself a veteran of a foreign war. (this most recent one, indeed.) It was a cheap white wine (because I like cold drinks) and I sipped it out of a plastic cup, because that's how life goes when you live in Blaine and go to the VFW for your wedding reception.

I intend to drink other things out of much nicer glasses in the future. But, as I sipped that "first" drink, I felt so many other things. Weddings are funny, in the way that they can creep up on you and control you with their lists and lists of details, and in the way that they suddenly grab hold of your heart and squeeze til tears drip down your face.

Ok, so I cried. It's just that she was so beautiful. And He loved her so much. And it was just that the Spirit was really present.

So, yes, I did cry. (I knew I would, so I wore waterproof mascara) But, I also realized that when you get married, it's really not about the cups and the linens and the candles and the Michelob brand light shining in all it's magnificence in the middle of your reception site. It's about love. Plain, old, life transforming, heart healing love.

I was sad that I couldn't be in more than one place at a time - Michael married his love Carly yesterday. (I'm sure I would have cried at that wedding too) Congratulations to them, and so many blessings. Can't wait to see the pictures :)

I'm learning a lot- wish I could explain it all to you. Let's just say that my life is turning inside out and upside down. Buy me a drink, and I'd love to tell you all about it.

Vacation of two days.

Here's to weekends off! There are three women that I love to spend my time next to - we look completely different, but we live in the same house, share the same shower and all love Chai tea. How excellent.

1.

My brother is going to Iraq in 9 days. How do you cope with that?

waves

I just sat on the beach and contemplated forgiveness.

And then I saw a dolphin.

It's been awhile.

A few days ago, I got into my car with a friend. I turned on her favorite (though cheesy) radio station. The windows were rolled down, and the sun was shining, as it should in lovely Santa Barbara. She started to sing along, and her hands moved in time with the Backstreet Boys, Celine Dion and someone else I didn't recognize. But she knew every word. And soon, I joined in. We turned it up loud and enjoyed ourselves while people stared. It was good. A bright moment in the midst of an otherwise confused and cloudy little week.

Another fine day, I drove up a hill and parked (turn the wheels up, up and away!) and walked down a driveway only to be hailed by 10 or so middle schoolers - "HEATHER!!!!!" they screamed and ran at me, sharing crazy bits of their week, spilling over with excitement over our play and their Spring Break. I loved them, but I am relieved to be finished with my stint at jr. high.

Things I am grateful for:
John's acceptance to his choices for graduate schools
Kate's bright spirit and ability to love on me without strings attached
Seeing Josh at a party
The one weekend a year that we're planning to save for the girls
Finding a dress for Kelly to wear at my wedding
Peanut butter
Michael's wish coming true in just a few days
Jessica's new wedding dress
Being trained in CPR


There is more to say, but I don't know how.

Yellow and Chocolate

I have very good friends. After disappointment (sometimes it just keeps coming), they find a way to be present. Like making a cake and listening to the Jackson Five. And loving me.

maybe.

There is a yucky thing that happens when you grow. You usually end up moving away and changing and living in a new city.

But there are other good things that happen too.