Monday, October 20, 2008

"Oh, Time, thou must untangle this, not I. 'Tis too hard a knot for me to untie"

Two performances in, and three more to go. I will miss this play.
Oh hell, I'm going to miss this year.

Tonight I saw a very sweet looking old man sing with great fervor. It was one of the most beautiful things I have seen in a long while. His name was Leo.

I'm feeling the stranglehold of stress and anxiety again. Sometimes I can peel the sticky fingers of worry off of my throat, but I'm getting weaker with every thought of December.

People told me I was good. They used words like "mesmerizing" and "riveting." I feel the expectation growing, but the the map is still blurry. Maybe the clouds will part and God will speak. It's happened before.

Friday's midterm: definitely referred to God as She. For the entire four pages. It was an experiment, and I'm still wondering what the results were, for me, my grades and my teacher.

The roomie bought The Dress. "It's weird to think that this will be the last thing I wear as a virgin." Yes, I guess it is. But I'm so glad you're happy about it.

When I am 21, I hope people will still be interested in going out at night for a drink; sometimes I worry that all the fun will be used up before I can participate.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

that damn dress

It is not the dress whore. I refuse to allow that. I'm clinging on to something that I thought made me beautiful, but you keep wearing it, looking thinner and more like Barbie than I ever could. Damn it. Not one but two and three and four and now we're just counting.

Sometimes thoughts like this make me sick. I wish I could just vomit them out of my system and be done with it, but they stick to my throat, my mouth and hands like some nasty kind of glue.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

[no title]

I want to share, but I don't know what to say. I've said it all before, and now it feels stale.

"Heather! You're graduating in three months!"

"I know. Don't talk about it."

I met a man at Starbuck's yesterday. The summary of his advice:
Don't get messed up on pride, drugs and most of all, don't get involved with any guy right now.
Follow your dreams, go where the "the-ay-ter" is, and hang out with the people who made it, not the ones who are trying to make it. But above all, love the people around you, 'cause when you've made it, you don't want more money, you want love.

I smiled and nodded a lot, because I believed him.