thoughts to some women....

r) it seems to me that the way you're treating her isn't right. you're not listening. you aren't trying to change, are you? some people would call this attitude selfishness... please don't make this our issue, it's really not an issue at all. let the illusion of horror fall away, stop carrying it in your eyes. it's going to work out. who knows? maybe you will fall in love with a spirit distinct from your own.

e) sometimes i wonder what it is that you really need; a spanking, someone to listen, some time away? but i'm not sure that any of those things (or what you are doing now) is going to help. maybe you just need the wind and the presence and the cleansing of a fire. it's all going to fall apart eventually, please find the things that won't.

b) for you, dear one: oh how glad i am of your life! you have grown and you are growing and it's nice to see you smile. thanks for being a safe, live, active place. if i could give you something, i'd give you peace. it will happen, the contentment and the joy that are present in small places in your life will blossom in the presence.

d) i have loved you since we met and your rough edges are part of your charm. thank you for being the knight lady in shining armour so often, the one you're currently defending is in need of it. and you need to do it, i think it will work some forgiveness and healing in you. please let that justice be fulfilled with mercy and forgiveness.

j) thank you for the kindness of your care. it's simplicity is what makes it beautiful. i wonder what you would be without the insecurity and stress? maybe that sweet little light inside you would break open something new and gorgeous. yes, i think it would... i hope that you will let this present time float in and around you in freedom and trust.

Clown Spirit

Faster than your worries and louder than your critic.

In other news, I am engaged. You all know that already, but it's fun to announce it to cyberspace anyway.

So far, I know nothing. Except that I am loved, that I love and that God is love. That ought to be enough.

"Oh, Time, thou must untangle this, not I. 'Tis too hard a knot for me to untie"

Two performances in, and three more to go. I will miss this play.
Oh hell, I'm going to miss this year.

Tonight I saw a very sweet looking old man sing with great fervor. It was one of the most beautiful things I have seen in a long while. His name was Leo.

I'm feeling the stranglehold of stress and anxiety again. Sometimes I can peel the sticky fingers of worry off of my throat, but I'm getting weaker with every thought of December.

People told me I was good. They used words like "mesmerizing" and "riveting." I feel the expectation growing, but the the map is still blurry. Maybe the clouds will part and God will speak. It's happened before.

Friday's midterm: definitely referred to God as She. For the entire four pages. It was an experiment, and I'm still wondering what the results were, for me, my grades and my teacher.

The roomie bought The Dress. "It's weird to think that this will be the last thing I wear as a virgin." Yes, I guess it is. But I'm so glad you're happy about it.

When I am 21, I hope people will still be interested in going out at night for a drink; sometimes I worry that all the fun will be used up before I can participate.

that damn dress

It is not the dress whore. I refuse to allow that. I'm clinging on to something that I thought made me beautiful, but you keep wearing it, looking thinner and more like Barbie than I ever could. Damn it. Not one but two and three and four and now we're just counting.

Sometimes thoughts like this make me sick. I wish I could just vomit them out of my system and be done with it, but they stick to my throat, my mouth and hands like some nasty kind of glue.

[no title]

I want to share, but I don't know what to say. I've said it all before, and now it feels stale.

"Heather! You're graduating in three months!"

"I know. Don't talk about it."

I met a man at Starbuck's yesterday. The summary of his advice:
Don't get messed up on pride, drugs and most of all, don't get involved with any guy right now.
Follow your dreams, go where the "the-ay-ter" is, and hang out with the people who made it, not the ones who are trying to make it. But above all, love the people around you, 'cause when you've made it, you don't want more money, you want love.

I smiled and nodded a lot, because I believed him.

thankful.

My tired legs are very thankful for Danielle's (new roommate+old friend!) heat pad thingy. It's filled with herbs that smell nice when warmed, and it feels good on the backs of my knees. No, waitressing is not a career option for me.

My ears are very thankful for Katie's Weepies CD. Sometimes all you need is a little Deb Talan and Co. to keep you happy.

My eyes are very thankful for the new curtains finally installed by yours truly. Cornflower blue is quite peaceful.

I think tonight I shall memorize Thursday's audition monologue. Perhaps.

lovely. absolutely lovely.

It's not that I am jealous. It's just that you're leaving... kinda. I mean, you'll still be here, but you'll be there more than here. With me, I mean. There, not here. I'm glad for you, happy, ecstatic, so thrilled - I've got that jump-for-joy smile on my face! Most of the time. Except when I'm crying because I can't stand this. Any of it. Nothing. Could we just rewind? Please? Last year, when dreams weren't quite coming true, wasn't everything fine?

(Oh, I am Anne of Green Gables, aren't I?)

I think maybe that the dreams seem so clear for you, from my perspective. He's wonderful, she's great for you, that's such a good school, you really have such potential and so many open doors! And you know, God opens doors and closes them, so you're really well taken care of. Right? Right. From here, everything is clear as those freshly cleaned glasses in our dishdrainer.... hmm, that metaphor doesn't work well, does it? The water stains remind me of all the clouds on my horizon, all the worries and fears and giant Goliath question marks. And I'm not as faithful or trusting as that old stone slinger we hear about.

(Oh, if I could just relax!)

It's hard to live just today and to trust that I'll be given the dreams and the purpose I'm lacking. That hole in my heart makes me a little shaky. But, my oh my, did you look lovely this afternoon. I know... it'll be ok. Good. Great. Perfect. Yes, you looked lovely.

From the Waitress....

Tips for those who enjoy dining out:

When your waitress asks "are you ready to order?" don't say yes unless you are indeed completely ready to order.

When the person next to you orders water and you think you might want one too, don't wait til she comes back with your neighbor's water to order your own. Pretty sure that the pitcher/tap is in the same place and she'll just have to walk back there again.

Also, if you want a lemon, or ice, or prefer your H2O iceless, just specify. It's not that much extra work for you and saves her yet another trip.

Please refrain from asking for the list of salad dressings and side dishes multiple times at one table. It's listed in the menu, she always says it at least once, so just be a dear and listen when she's talking.

If the waitress says "Hello, how are you?" the polite response is "Hello. I'm well, how are you?" Not "I'd like a BLT and a diet coke. Oh and what side dishes do you have?"

Try ordering something that she suggests. She works there, you know. But never, and I repeat NEVER, say "you pick." That, my friend, is a horrible thing to do to a woman who already has enough things to balance besides trying to make sure she can read your mind and decide what you could possibly like to eat. You're an adult, you can pick your own meal, I'm sure.

If dining with children, make sure they get lids for their cups. And if you could corral all the crayons before you leave, you might just get yourself another crown in heaven.

Also, if dining with children, leave a sizable tip.

For that matter, leave a sizable tip any time you dine out. That girl is working her ass off trying to keep you happy, so cut her a break and say thank you in a way that she'll be able to use. Smiles are great too, but honestly she's a working girl and most likely needs to pay rent. Maybe she'll go to graduate school someday and end up being your therapist. Wouldn't you want her to be as well adjusted and as prepared as possible? Tipping that few extra dollars now is a small price to pay for her to keep her sanity.... who knows? In the future, she might help you keep yours.

to do lists.... oh how they multiply

Days pass faster than I ever thought they could. I have a few hours until the work week starts (my delayed version in which the weekend is comprised of Monday and Tuesday), and more weekend work left than I would like to shove into them. But, I have crossed a few things off my list (the list that keeps me feeling sane, whether or not I really am) such as:

make bed
email Mitchell re: Sr. Project
volunteer at The Friendship Center (where an old man told me that if he was my age we would be engaged right now. Such a proposal, eh?)
clean out purse

But best of all was that I finished Grace (Eventually) by Anne Lamott. So lovely. I highly recommend it.

Shalom.

A time for everything

In the quietness of my afternoon, I'm surprised again by joy and purpose. Sometimes my mornings, in their silence and stillness, are haunted by fear and doubt of the Giver's goodness. Even worse are the moments, lukewarm and bland, when I cannot or do not rejoice in this place, this time, these people, this love. But for today, Ecclesiastes allows me to see that purpose and purposelessness go hand in hand. For today, for right now, I will be at peace.

Tomorrow will come soon enough.

Quote of the day

"Remember, like the sparrow, you don't have to worry."
J.A.J.

Two things come to my mind tonight:

Facebook is seriously one of my worst habits. I spend more time there looking at old friends' profiles than I do actually conversing with said friends. That needs to change. (ok, so maybe it's not really one of my worst habits, it just sounded nice and dramatic... it still needs to change).


I hope to be the kind of woman who has lots of tea in her home - and is usually available for an hour conversation. I think that could possibly be my vocation. I'd rather that than 60 hours a week at the office....

And one more:
I am making bread tonight.

may morning musings

I'm missing something, and I haven't quite found out what it is. There's a hollowness here, despite the laughter I find living with five friends. I don't think we've worked out all the kinks of 141 Holly Ave. yet... sometimes I get discouraged and don't think we ever will, all of us with our wildly different ideas and perceptions of this Holly home. Dishes and trash and mail and rent - who knew these things could be so controversial and problematic? The stress level in this house is greater than I wish it. I do not know how to puncture that ever inflating balloon - you know, the one that no one talks about, but everyone feels. Is everyone happy living this way? "It will get better when Jess comes back," we all say it, but I don't know how much we really believe in Miss Vergini's powers of balance.

Santa Barbara is just an arms reach away, which means that I see the boy I love everyday (16 months today). And what is wrong with that? Minnesota is too far to go home to, but even when I did, I felt the failure of my lack of love in the anger and frustration of my parents. So maybe that $329 plane ticket really ought to go to some other deserving daughter, and not this one. Walking with some anxiety to work, crying or rejoicing on my way back, depending on my day, has saved some gas money. The emotional struggle puts me in daily contact with my fears of inadequacy. Sometimes I pray well... others I do not. But the day will come when I must conquer the teeter totter of my emotional and anxiety-filled self, and I hope that this summer (this day, today) will be the beginning of that journey.

What am I learning? I have no idea. But I did make a deposit of money that I earned all on my own. Baby steps toward adulthood, beginning with an ATM. And maybe, somewhere, Jesus will catch me and make me remember who He is.

love never fails.

I am grateful for the security of love. I look forward to the adventure - all the butterflies my stomach can handle. I enjoy the peace it brings to my daily walking from here to there. And I ache to see it grow so big that even my cup, the one that sometimes seems half empty, will overflow all over the floor.

say goodbye

one final to go
gotta clean the house
get a job
move out

rejoice

19 no longer

My thoughts on turning 20, growing up, moving out of OV, life, etc - in no particular order:

1. my apartment- i will miss intimacy that allows for such irreverence and raw honesty.  

2. i look forward to making theatre.  yes, i will make theatre.  there, i said it.

3. isn't it sad that nothing really changes when you turn 20?  oh well, there's always next year.

4. can 6 women really live together?

5. of course they can.  i hope.

6. and God is still Jehovah Jireh.

7. i really enjoy being the age i am.  really.  i'm glad to be young and i can't wait to be old.

8. chocolate chip pancakes have never tasted as good as they did this morning at 7:42 am.

9. i miss my family.  it's an ache of the heart that feels deep and rich, and it throbs a little when the 5 year old says "i love you" through the phone.

10.  i love saraZ's onion painting in the basement of the library.  i want to buy it from her and put in my house.

11. i am happy.  

12. i am content.

i could use some direction. please.

i'm getting worried. the natural, usual worries that accompany children/young adults/humans of my age. you know, things like "what am i going to do with my life?" it's hard to be peaceful right now, when i don't know which direction this little life should take.

and the frustrating thing is that no one else can answer this for me, and no one really wants to.

provision

... and Jehovah Jireh sometimes acts through roommates who can't finish their peanutbutter (and chocolate!) blenders.  funny how i notice it most when the fridge is bare.

there is something special about this adventure in simple living, if i can even presume to call it that.  (we spend more money than i want to think about on tuition and housing) yet, this chosen period of thriftiness seems to be curbing some of my materialism, waste (and waist?) and hopefully, fear.  i see the Provider working in little things: clothes from a friend, hotel soap from my traveling father, and the consistent coffee dates that my boyfriend is so sweet to initiate.  And then again, we do have things like Diana's famous Chili Shit (one can of vegetarian chili + all the shit left in the fridge and cupboards = one miraculous meal) and the almost never ending box of pancake mix (which calls for milk and eggs, but tastes fine with just water).  

forgive me for taking this out of context, but if God is for us, who can be against us?

here's to living on less, sharing more and laughing all the while.

3:05 on Wednesday

Grace is sometimes gritty, like the face scrub I keep in the shower.  It rubs and rubs until the bad stuff flakes off, revealing a fresh perspective and another chance to be really beautiful.

And sometimes it's like a Trader Joe's peanut butter cup before dinner: exactly the best kind of sweetness, unexpected and unearned.  Often, though, it's like my 2 hour shift at the switch, long and persistent, a slow dependable benefit.

 

struggling

why it is so difficult for me to make a decision, i have no idea.

just a simple yes or no, red or blue, this or that.  

it's not complicated. 

usually, that is.

i suppose it does depend on the question....

ok, choose.

the growth of self-confidence pt. 1

i am enjoying this small bit of cyberspace. it is like owning my own little closet where i can write on the walls and sing out loud, without worrying if my roommates will laugh at me.
they can sing, you know, with their loud strong voices, as if they were on stage with the lights in their eyes, shooting colors and poetry past their lips. my voice comes out softer, written or spoken, with less abandon and fewer tints and tones.

i'm happy to speak out here... though, between you and i, it is still a little intimidating. sometimes i feel like white rice, or mashed potatoes - accompanying and supporting the women in my life whose lives are blossoming around me.

but i do still like to sing, even if it's just a baby song, or an old hymn i learned back in kindergarten.

The (soon to be) Fosters

it's beautiful, three stones and a smooth band that wraps around her finger as no other ring could. they laughed and cried and we all smiled and yelled out our congratulations, sipping on our sparkling cider because we're too young and too poor to buy Champagne.

and then i cried a bit, because we're all growing up, despite our youth. two of us are ready to walk an aisle, with at least two more waiting on the wings. graduation is looming in the near distance and i don't know what to do except breathe.

ashes

i rubbed my forehead absentmindedly, causing all the ashes to fall. 

i hope to find mercy in the midst of my failure.

harsh words, burnt toast and jealousy.

maybe there is a Redeemer.

  

couldn't resist....

i once had a xanga. when that became tiresome, i left. but i couldn't resist the urge to lay it all out in this realfake internet world we call cyberspace, so here i am again. i hope you don't mind.

my hair is growing out. i cut it once, to find a little more of myself. that being done, i'm trying to reclaim what i was. but this time, i want to be better.

and this is my ordinary life.