may morning musings

I'm missing something, and I haven't quite found out what it is. There's a hollowness here, despite the laughter I find living with five friends. I don't think we've worked out all the kinks of 141 Holly Ave. yet... sometimes I get discouraged and don't think we ever will, all of us with our wildly different ideas and perceptions of this Holly home. Dishes and trash and mail and rent - who knew these things could be so controversial and problematic? The stress level in this house is greater than I wish it. I do not know how to puncture that ever inflating balloon - you know, the one that no one talks about, but everyone feels. Is everyone happy living this way? "It will get better when Jess comes back," we all say it, but I don't know how much we really believe in Miss Vergini's powers of balance.

Santa Barbara is just an arms reach away, which means that I see the boy I love everyday (16 months today). And what is wrong with that? Minnesota is too far to go home to, but even when I did, I felt the failure of my lack of love in the anger and frustration of my parents. So maybe that $329 plane ticket really ought to go to some other deserving daughter, and not this one. Walking with some anxiety to work, crying or rejoicing on my way back, depending on my day, has saved some gas money. The emotional struggle puts me in daily contact with my fears of inadequacy. Sometimes I pray well... others I do not. But the day will come when I must conquer the teeter totter of my emotional and anxiety-filled self, and I hope that this summer (this day, today) will be the beginning of that journey.

What am I learning? I have no idea. But I did make a deposit of money that I earned all on my own. Baby steps toward adulthood, beginning with an ATM. And maybe, somewhere, Jesus will catch me and make me remember who He is.