Abide.

I am sitting in Panera, the only place where I can get the internet. We just moved to a new condo and our lives have not gotten as organized as I wish they were. I guess there really isn't much to do now but wait, work and make sure to get enough sleep. The details will follow soon.

I am stealing a quote from an email I received recently (you probably got it too, if you graduated from Westmont in 2009...), hope you like it. I do.

"You are so young, so much before all beginning, and I would like to beg you, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." Ranier Maria Rilke

moving and packing and moving.

We are moving. It is quite foggy and grey outside, but I have the day off and just over half of my current home is stuffed into nice brown boxes. Today's mission is to complete the task. And also figure out christmas gifts....

Note: my computer has died, and I have to use Tanner's, so that is why my blog has been so wholly neglected. Perhaps that will change in the nearish future.

Off to make a cup of tea. Happy Thursday.

I really wish I knew how to love.

Sunday

We went to church today.


It was amazing.


Who knew?

We're having our first guest tonight! Homemade pizza is on the menu, probably accompanied by beer (diet coke for me, not into that nasty stuff) and maybe a movie?

Can't wait!

Also, confession:
I think I am becoming addicted to watching The Secret Life of the American Teenager.

Don't judge too harshly.


LOVE!

I would love to invite you over, but unfortunately, you probably live at least 6 hours away. Not exactly the kind of drive you can make before dinner.

Also, my new home is a disaster.

When my husband (!) and I came back from our Tahoe extravaganza (it was awesome - ask me about the hot air ), our living room was piled high with wedding presents. Many thanks to those of you who are responsible- unwrapping presents is a joy not to be reserved for Christmas and Birthdays. I think we ought to give gifts more often, and much more liberally. Wonder what the world would be like if we did that?

I digress.

The challenge of integrating all the stuff of our lives is proving a daunting task. I've shoved things in the closets, piled things on top of shelves and closed just enough cabinet doors to make it livable - mostly. I'm supposed to be doing more of this at the moment, but I haven't gotten myself off the couch quite yet.

(Don't judge, I've been on Craigslist looking for jobs. It was only recently that I checked facebook and started blogging.)

I am a firm believer that our living spaces reflect in certain ways, the state of our minds and emotions. To understand my heart, you'll just need to look in closet: the clothes are, for the most part, all hung up. Not in good order, sometimes multiple items are on one hanger, but everything is behind the glass doors. My kitchen is another example: boxes on the floor, some spices won't fit in the cupboard, some dishes are clean and some are not...

Our Sacramento Adventure has begun.

Can't sleep

Maybe it's the relocation anxiety, or maybe it's because my wedding is 4 days away....(!) Checked some blogs, ran through tomorrow's activities, cleaned some of the house, fretted about tedious and temporal things like timing and face painting (thank you Saul at the Prescriptives counter).

All while that beautiful man sleeps like a baby in the next room.

Just doesn't seem fair, does it? It must be better this way, I can take a sleeping pill and knock myself out for the next few evenings, but he's up and running at 6am, five days a week. Welcome to real life. Well, real enough.

Still waiting to see where our dreams head us, what adventures grow out of our new life, new home, new job, new everything.

Still hoping to keep old things too, like the Christmas ornaments my mom packed up and left in my living room, the china hutch that is slightly too big for my apartment (but Tanner lets me keep it), and the lovely people I've made space for in my heart.

I might go try one of those new pillows now, we'll see if we can't contradict our own title.

Fridays are lovely.

It's been awhile. Life happens.

Today, due to rain, I am feeling crafty, clean-y and domestic. So I made oatmeal brown sugar muffins (roommate Jess said they were good - I have to agree), and some spur of the moment candles. I love candles, and I have wanted to make some jar candles for a long time. So, I did. My laundry is in the dryer and I am enjoying the day off. It's peaceful.

Our home looks bigger now that we moved most of Danielle and Becca's stuff out. I like that feeling too. New roomie Chelsea is a beautiful addition to the ladies of 141 Holly Ave #10. She has the gentlest spirit, but an incredible zest and spunk at the same time. I like people like that. We went for a walk on the beach last night, the moon was incredible. The waves on the beach looked like liquid silk.

I have so many adventures coming up- Macbeth (woohoo!), quitting my job (not as much of a woohoo), moving... I feel the need to just sit and soak in all the things swirling around me.

In other news, I am cutting my hair today. With Jessica. She is my buddy.

Untitled.

Sometimes this blank screen is overwhelming.

ho hum.

The frustrating thing about small bathrooms is that they get all steamed up from the shower and you don't feel comfortable drying your hair in there. Oh well.

Nothing extraordinary is happening today. So far.

21

My first official drink as an adult was gifted to me by the bartender at the Blaine, MN VFW, where my dear friend Cathy was married to her love of 6 years, himself a veteran of a foreign war. (this most recent one, indeed.) It was a cheap white wine (because I like cold drinks) and I sipped it out of a plastic cup, because that's how life goes when you live in Blaine and go to the VFW for your wedding reception.

I intend to drink other things out of much nicer glasses in the future. But, as I sipped that "first" drink, I felt so many other things. Weddings are funny, in the way that they can creep up on you and control you with their lists and lists of details, and in the way that they suddenly grab hold of your heart and squeeze til tears drip down your face.

Ok, so I cried. It's just that she was so beautiful. And He loved her so much. And it was just that the Spirit was really present.

So, yes, I did cry. (I knew I would, so I wore waterproof mascara) But, I also realized that when you get married, it's really not about the cups and the linens and the candles and the Michelob brand light shining in all it's magnificence in the middle of your reception site. It's about love. Plain, old, life transforming, heart healing love.

I was sad that I couldn't be in more than one place at a time - Michael married his love Carly yesterday. (I'm sure I would have cried at that wedding too) Congratulations to them, and so many blessings. Can't wait to see the pictures :)

I'm learning a lot- wish I could explain it all to you. Let's just say that my life is turning inside out and upside down. Buy me a drink, and I'd love to tell you all about it.

Vacation of two days.

Here's to weekends off! There are three women that I love to spend my time next to - we look completely different, but we live in the same house, share the same shower and all love Chai tea. How excellent.

1.

My brother is going to Iraq in 9 days. How do you cope with that?

waves

I just sat on the beach and contemplated forgiveness.

And then I saw a dolphin.

It's been awhile.

A few days ago, I got into my car with a friend. I turned on her favorite (though cheesy) radio station. The windows were rolled down, and the sun was shining, as it should in lovely Santa Barbara. She started to sing along, and her hands moved in time with the Backstreet Boys, Celine Dion and someone else I didn't recognize. But she knew every word. And soon, I joined in. We turned it up loud and enjoyed ourselves while people stared. It was good. A bright moment in the midst of an otherwise confused and cloudy little week.

Another fine day, I drove up a hill and parked (turn the wheels up, up and away!) and walked down a driveway only to be hailed by 10 or so middle schoolers - "HEATHER!!!!!" they screamed and ran at me, sharing crazy bits of their week, spilling over with excitement over our play and their Spring Break. I loved them, but I am relieved to be finished with my stint at jr. high.

Things I am grateful for:
John's acceptance to his choices for graduate schools
Kate's bright spirit and ability to love on me without strings attached
Seeing Josh at a party
The one weekend a year that we're planning to save for the girls
Finding a dress for Kelly to wear at my wedding
Peanut butter
Michael's wish coming true in just a few days
Jessica's new wedding dress
Being trained in CPR


There is more to say, but I don't know how.

Yellow and Chocolate

I have very good friends. After disappointment (sometimes it just keeps coming), they find a way to be present. Like making a cake and listening to the Jackson Five. And loving me.

maybe.

There is a yucky thing that happens when you grow. You usually end up moving away and changing and living in a new city.

But there are other good things that happen too.

my little life.

I am inspired by people who can find it in themselves to blog regularly. Obviously, I am not one of those people. I really do think about writing all the time, pithy little posts that never make it past my mind and down into the computer and out into Cyberland (which is almost as good as Candyland, but not quite. I love that game).

But here I am. Hello.

I have continued my flossing experiment. I have not missed a day yet, though there have been some close calls when I thought I might run out of floss after the stores had closed. Thankfully, the Floss Fairy saw fit to bestow extra floss on me at just the right moments, so I have never been without. Hopefully my dental health is taking a turn for the better. I'm sure you are all very excited about that.

My teaching job is going along nicely as well. We have our performance on the 26th of this month, so we're getting close. We're putting together a showcase of some games, scenes, monologues and poems. It's a whirlwind, but I am really getting to enjoy the students. I don't know where teaching/theatre are going to live in my life, but this has been fun and challenging so far. Jr. High is just such an awkward age - but I really do have a good time with those gangly little half grown-ups. We need a name for the piece, though, that's bugging me. And a set design (where are you Suzy Galletly when I need you!?). Oh heck, we need another 3 months of rehearsal, but we'll be fine. It's all about the process and the learning, right? Right. But if you have any ideas for a name, let me know. Seriously.

I feel like I'm learning in a completely different way than I did at Westmont. While there was a gradual sense to that kind of learning, it also was full of "Eureka" moments - little epiphanies (sp?) where the clouds parted and I knew I had learned something. It felt so good, refreshing and invigorating. This current kind of learning is not completely lacking in cloud breaks, but they seem to be few and far between. It's like I'm walking instead of jumping, sometimes just more of a simple plodding along the same track instead of the former soaring and dipping and free falling I used to feel.

Speaking of learning, I have a thought on Lent. Now, I was never really taught about Lenten Fasts, or Fasting in general, but I am a supporter of the discipline. (I am not, however, skilled in it) Well, my house decided to cover up all our mirrors for Lent. As the days pass, and I brush my teeth in front of a white piece of paper instead of my reflection, I'm coming to realize that it's really not about the mirrors. (duh, was it ever?) It's about what I'm intent upon seeing. So, no, I'm not freaking out if I accidentally see my reflection in the rearview mirror or at someone's home. I'm just trying to remember what I'm supposed to be looking at, looking for and looking to.

Ok, good night.

Employed

I am now a working woman. Despite the helpful suggestions of my friends (hey Heather, why don't you apply for this job on Craigslist, as a "Romance Specialist;" or you could be an egg donor! $5,000 a pop!), I found a job and successfully gave away a million signatures, which means I am committed. And I am so thankful. Life is going to look a little different in the near future - giving up some things I always took for granted, and learning to accept the unforseen gifts of the future (how pretentious was that little phrase?).

Forgive me, I've been awake too long.

I went to Denny's with the boys this morning. I dragged myself out of bed at 5:00am so I could be showered and dressed and in Santa Barbara by 5:45 to pick them all up. We had a lovely time eating free breakfast. Denny's wanted to feed America - and damnit, I am an American. And, I really love pancakes. And hanging out with the boys. So, overall, t'was a nice (early!) morning. Oh, and I saw Danielle before I left. Imagine that.

I think that if ever I am a mother, I shall like to make pancakes in the morning. And probably for dinner sometimes, too.

Tomorrow I will be brave:
I will go to the DMV and become a Californian.
Then I will schedule meetings, and cross things off of my to do list.
Then I will drive to L.A. by myself.
Then I will teach theatre to my peers, by myself.

Ok, good night. I'm going to go floss.

1:05 am

I feel like either the pressure is lifting off
or settling down into my bones.

to and fro

and away

we go!

Enjoy it while it lasts, Baby.

Because it's over sooner than you think.

That advice applies to lots of things, not just college. But it is interesting how I really wish that I could take more classes (even hard ones) now that I can't. Funny.

Anyway, I'm still alive. Life does continue after classes end. Also funny.

And God is still good.

I'm going to read on the beach.

Something New

Change of plans, came home early. Mom booked the wrong ticket, so I'm home and settled 24 hours ahead of schedule.

This time I want something new and lasting, where the pages don't get messy with my writing and my sloppy fingerprints. Where God says hello and I can finally listen. Where my reflection doesn't make me worry about the things that aren't there, but makes me rejoice in all that I see and all that I hope for.

Life is about more than school, more than a job, or a person, more than a self. But it feels awfully empty without those things sometimes. Here's to finding and growing.

Among other things, it is warm in California.

Sunday

Today I read the Magician's Nephew, instead of going to church. I fell asleep in the middle, but finished it when I woke up. I must say it was more edifying than Bride Wars, which I went to see with my little sister after reading. But what is Christmas break for, if not to read good books and watch silly movies?

On Tuesday I will get on a plane, wedding dress in hand, and fly to California, where I will eat dinner with my grandparents, sleep a bit, and then drive five hours back to my little Apt. #10 and then start the rest of my life. In a much warmer climate.

I'm trying to be hopeful and not doubtful, to trust in the Giver to be Good. And I must say that I am not good, trusting or a giver, so it's not coming that easily. I'm wondering about God. My questions are slightly cliche, but they're still mine and I still have to deal with them. We'll see what happens. It might just turn out to be an adventure.


I hope so.

New resolution: Start writing more letters.

Flossing.

I am, like most average Americans, fairly good at dropping New Year's Resolutions about half-way through January or February. But, again, like most average Americans, this year I am committed to sticking with my resolution for 2009. What is it? Floss every day. It's healthy, it's easier to do than some other resolutions, like say lose 40lbs. or start running every day or start eating strictly vegan. So far, I'm right on track with the flossing thing. Haven't missed a day. (we'll check back in mid January to see if 2009 really is a year for change.)

I have a bunch of other resolutions, but I haven't made them official, as I'm sure that they will pose more of a challenge to me than flossing. They're more like life resolutions. Among them is "love my friends," particularly those of the female persuasion. If you happen to be one, I love you.

Oh, and I bought a wedding dress.