Something New

Change of plans, came home early. Mom booked the wrong ticket, so I'm home and settled 24 hours ahead of schedule.

This time I want something new and lasting, where the pages don't get messy with my writing and my sloppy fingerprints. Where God says hello and I can finally listen. Where my reflection doesn't make me worry about the things that aren't there, but makes me rejoice in all that I see and all that I hope for.

Life is about more than school, more than a job, or a person, more than a self. But it feels awfully empty without those things sometimes. Here's to finding and growing.

Among other things, it is warm in California.

Sunday

Today I read the Magician's Nephew, instead of going to church. I fell asleep in the middle, but finished it when I woke up. I must say it was more edifying than Bride Wars, which I went to see with my little sister after reading. But what is Christmas break for, if not to read good books and watch silly movies?

On Tuesday I will get on a plane, wedding dress in hand, and fly to California, where I will eat dinner with my grandparents, sleep a bit, and then drive five hours back to my little Apt. #10 and then start the rest of my life. In a much warmer climate.

I'm trying to be hopeful and not doubtful, to trust in the Giver to be Good. And I must say that I am not good, trusting or a giver, so it's not coming that easily. I'm wondering about God. My questions are slightly cliche, but they're still mine and I still have to deal with them. We'll see what happens. It might just turn out to be an adventure.


I hope so.

New resolution: Start writing more letters.

Flossing.

I am, like most average Americans, fairly good at dropping New Year's Resolutions about half-way through January or February. But, again, like most average Americans, this year I am committed to sticking with my resolution for 2009. What is it? Floss every day. It's healthy, it's easier to do than some other resolutions, like say lose 40lbs. or start running every day or start eating strictly vegan. So far, I'm right on track with the flossing thing. Haven't missed a day. (we'll check back in mid January to see if 2009 really is a year for change.)

I have a bunch of other resolutions, but I haven't made them official, as I'm sure that they will pose more of a challenge to me than flossing. They're more like life resolutions. Among them is "love my friends," particularly those of the female persuasion. If you happen to be one, I love you.

Oh, and I bought a wedding dress.

thoughts to some women....

r) it seems to me that the way you're treating her isn't right. you're not listening. you aren't trying to change, are you? some people would call this attitude selfishness... please don't make this our issue, it's really not an issue at all. let the illusion of horror fall away, stop carrying it in your eyes. it's going to work out. who knows? maybe you will fall in love with a spirit distinct from your own.

e) sometimes i wonder what it is that you really need; a spanking, someone to listen, some time away? but i'm not sure that any of those things (or what you are doing now) is going to help. maybe you just need the wind and the presence and the cleansing of a fire. it's all going to fall apart eventually, please find the things that won't.

b) for you, dear one: oh how glad i am of your life! you have grown and you are growing and it's nice to see you smile. thanks for being a safe, live, active place. if i could give you something, i'd give you peace. it will happen, the contentment and the joy that are present in small places in your life will blossom in the presence.

d) i have loved you since we met and your rough edges are part of your charm. thank you for being the knight lady in shining armour so often, the one you're currently defending is in need of it. and you need to do it, i think it will work some forgiveness and healing in you. please let that justice be fulfilled with mercy and forgiveness.

j) thank you for the kindness of your care. it's simplicity is what makes it beautiful. i wonder what you would be without the insecurity and stress? maybe that sweet little light inside you would break open something new and gorgeous. yes, i think it would... i hope that you will let this present time float in and around you in freedom and trust.

Clown Spirit

Faster than your worries and louder than your critic.

In other news, I am engaged. You all know that already, but it's fun to announce it to cyberspace anyway.

So far, I know nothing. Except that I am loved, that I love and that God is love. That ought to be enough.

"Oh, Time, thou must untangle this, not I. 'Tis too hard a knot for me to untie"

Two performances in, and three more to go. I will miss this play.
Oh hell, I'm going to miss this year.

Tonight I saw a very sweet looking old man sing with great fervor. It was one of the most beautiful things I have seen in a long while. His name was Leo.

I'm feeling the stranglehold of stress and anxiety again. Sometimes I can peel the sticky fingers of worry off of my throat, but I'm getting weaker with every thought of December.

People told me I was good. They used words like "mesmerizing" and "riveting." I feel the expectation growing, but the the map is still blurry. Maybe the clouds will part and God will speak. It's happened before.

Friday's midterm: definitely referred to God as She. For the entire four pages. It was an experiment, and I'm still wondering what the results were, for me, my grades and my teacher.

The roomie bought The Dress. "It's weird to think that this will be the last thing I wear as a virgin." Yes, I guess it is. But I'm so glad you're happy about it.

When I am 21, I hope people will still be interested in going out at night for a drink; sometimes I worry that all the fun will be used up before I can participate.

that damn dress

It is not the dress whore. I refuse to allow that. I'm clinging on to something that I thought made me beautiful, but you keep wearing it, looking thinner and more like Barbie than I ever could. Damn it. Not one but two and three and four and now we're just counting.

Sometimes thoughts like this make me sick. I wish I could just vomit them out of my system and be done with it, but they stick to my throat, my mouth and hands like some nasty kind of glue.