"Oh, Time, thou must untangle this, not I. 'Tis too hard a knot for me to untie"

Two performances in, and three more to go. I will miss this play.
Oh hell, I'm going to miss this year.

Tonight I saw a very sweet looking old man sing with great fervor. It was one of the most beautiful things I have seen in a long while. His name was Leo.

I'm feeling the stranglehold of stress and anxiety again. Sometimes I can peel the sticky fingers of worry off of my throat, but I'm getting weaker with every thought of December.

People told me I was good. They used words like "mesmerizing" and "riveting." I feel the expectation growing, but the the map is still blurry. Maybe the clouds will part and God will speak. It's happened before.

Friday's midterm: definitely referred to God as She. For the entire four pages. It was an experiment, and I'm still wondering what the results were, for me, my grades and my teacher.

The roomie bought The Dress. "It's weird to think that this will be the last thing I wear as a virgin." Yes, I guess it is. But I'm so glad you're happy about it.

When I am 21, I hope people will still be interested in going out at night for a drink; sometimes I worry that all the fun will be used up before I can participate.

that damn dress

It is not the dress whore. I refuse to allow that. I'm clinging on to something that I thought made me beautiful, but you keep wearing it, looking thinner and more like Barbie than I ever could. Damn it. Not one but two and three and four and now we're just counting.

Sometimes thoughts like this make me sick. I wish I could just vomit them out of my system and be done with it, but they stick to my throat, my mouth and hands like some nasty kind of glue.

[no title]

I want to share, but I don't know what to say. I've said it all before, and now it feels stale.

"Heather! You're graduating in three months!"

"I know. Don't talk about it."

I met a man at Starbuck's yesterday. The summary of his advice:
Don't get messed up on pride, drugs and most of all, don't get involved with any guy right now.
Follow your dreams, go where the "the-ay-ter" is, and hang out with the people who made it, not the ones who are trying to make it. But above all, love the people around you, 'cause when you've made it, you don't want more money, you want love.

I smiled and nodded a lot, because I believed him.

thankful.

My tired legs are very thankful for Danielle's (new roommate+old friend!) heat pad thingy. It's filled with herbs that smell nice when warmed, and it feels good on the backs of my knees. No, waitressing is not a career option for me.

My ears are very thankful for Katie's Weepies CD. Sometimes all you need is a little Deb Talan and Co. to keep you happy.

My eyes are very thankful for the new curtains finally installed by yours truly. Cornflower blue is quite peaceful.

I think tonight I shall memorize Thursday's audition monologue. Perhaps.

lovely. absolutely lovely.

It's not that I am jealous. It's just that you're leaving... kinda. I mean, you'll still be here, but you'll be there more than here. With me, I mean. There, not here. I'm glad for you, happy, ecstatic, so thrilled - I've got that jump-for-joy smile on my face! Most of the time. Except when I'm crying because I can't stand this. Any of it. Nothing. Could we just rewind? Please? Last year, when dreams weren't quite coming true, wasn't everything fine?

(Oh, I am Anne of Green Gables, aren't I?)

I think maybe that the dreams seem so clear for you, from my perspective. He's wonderful, she's great for you, that's such a good school, you really have such potential and so many open doors! And you know, God opens doors and closes them, so you're really well taken care of. Right? Right. From here, everything is clear as those freshly cleaned glasses in our dishdrainer.... hmm, that metaphor doesn't work well, does it? The water stains remind me of all the clouds on my horizon, all the worries and fears and giant Goliath question marks. And I'm not as faithful or trusting as that old stone slinger we hear about.

(Oh, if I could just relax!)

It's hard to live just today and to trust that I'll be given the dreams and the purpose I'm lacking. That hole in my heart makes me a little shaky. But, my oh my, did you look lovely this afternoon. I know... it'll be ok. Good. Great. Perfect. Yes, you looked lovely.

From the Waitress....

Tips for those who enjoy dining out:

When your waitress asks "are you ready to order?" don't say yes unless you are indeed completely ready to order.

When the person next to you orders water and you think you might want one too, don't wait til she comes back with your neighbor's water to order your own. Pretty sure that the pitcher/tap is in the same place and she'll just have to walk back there again.

Also, if you want a lemon, or ice, or prefer your H2O iceless, just specify. It's not that much extra work for you and saves her yet another trip.

Please refrain from asking for the list of salad dressings and side dishes multiple times at one table. It's listed in the menu, she always says it at least once, so just be a dear and listen when she's talking.

If the waitress says "Hello, how are you?" the polite response is "Hello. I'm well, how are you?" Not "I'd like a BLT and a diet coke. Oh and what side dishes do you have?"

Try ordering something that she suggests. She works there, you know. But never, and I repeat NEVER, say "you pick." That, my friend, is a horrible thing to do to a woman who already has enough things to balance besides trying to make sure she can read your mind and decide what you could possibly like to eat. You're an adult, you can pick your own meal, I'm sure.

If dining with children, make sure they get lids for their cups. And if you could corral all the crayons before you leave, you might just get yourself another crown in heaven.

Also, if dining with children, leave a sizable tip.

For that matter, leave a sizable tip any time you dine out. That girl is working her ass off trying to keep you happy, so cut her a break and say thank you in a way that she'll be able to use. Smiles are great too, but honestly she's a working girl and most likely needs to pay rent. Maybe she'll go to graduate school someday and end up being your therapist. Wouldn't you want her to be as well adjusted and as prepared as possible? Tipping that few extra dollars now is a small price to pay for her to keep her sanity.... who knows? In the future, she might help you keep yours.

to do lists.... oh how they multiply

Days pass faster than I ever thought they could. I have a few hours until the work week starts (my delayed version in which the weekend is comprised of Monday and Tuesday), and more weekend work left than I would like to shove into them. But, I have crossed a few things off my list (the list that keeps me feeling sane, whether or not I really am) such as:

make bed
email Mitchell re: Sr. Project
volunteer at The Friendship Center (where an old man told me that if he was my age we would be engaged right now. Such a proposal, eh?)
clean out purse

But best of all was that I finished Grace (Eventually) by Anne Lamott. So lovely. I highly recommend it.

Shalom.