Two things come to my mind tonight:

Facebook is seriously one of my worst habits. I spend more time there looking at old friends' profiles than I do actually conversing with said friends. That needs to change. (ok, so maybe it's not really one of my worst habits, it just sounded nice and dramatic... it still needs to change).


I hope to be the kind of woman who has lots of tea in her home - and is usually available for an hour conversation. I think that could possibly be my vocation. I'd rather that than 60 hours a week at the office....

And one more:
I am making bread tonight.

may morning musings

I'm missing something, and I haven't quite found out what it is. There's a hollowness here, despite the laughter I find living with five friends. I don't think we've worked out all the kinks of 141 Holly Ave. yet... sometimes I get discouraged and don't think we ever will, all of us with our wildly different ideas and perceptions of this Holly home. Dishes and trash and mail and rent - who knew these things could be so controversial and problematic? The stress level in this house is greater than I wish it. I do not know how to puncture that ever inflating balloon - you know, the one that no one talks about, but everyone feels. Is everyone happy living this way? "It will get better when Jess comes back," we all say it, but I don't know how much we really believe in Miss Vergini's powers of balance.

Santa Barbara is just an arms reach away, which means that I see the boy I love everyday (16 months today). And what is wrong with that? Minnesota is too far to go home to, but even when I did, I felt the failure of my lack of love in the anger and frustration of my parents. So maybe that $329 plane ticket really ought to go to some other deserving daughter, and not this one. Walking with some anxiety to work, crying or rejoicing on my way back, depending on my day, has saved some gas money. The emotional struggle puts me in daily contact with my fears of inadequacy. Sometimes I pray well... others I do not. But the day will come when I must conquer the teeter totter of my emotional and anxiety-filled self, and I hope that this summer (this day, today) will be the beginning of that journey.

What am I learning? I have no idea. But I did make a deposit of money that I earned all on my own. Baby steps toward adulthood, beginning with an ATM. And maybe, somewhere, Jesus will catch me and make me remember who He is.

love never fails.

I am grateful for the security of love. I look forward to the adventure - all the butterflies my stomach can handle. I enjoy the peace it brings to my daily walking from here to there. And I ache to see it grow so big that even my cup, the one that sometimes seems half empty, will overflow all over the floor.

say goodbye

one final to go
gotta clean the house
get a job
move out

rejoice

19 no longer

My thoughts on turning 20, growing up, moving out of OV, life, etc - in no particular order:

1. my apartment- i will miss intimacy that allows for such irreverence and raw honesty.  

2. i look forward to making theatre.  yes, i will make theatre.  there, i said it.

3. isn't it sad that nothing really changes when you turn 20?  oh well, there's always next year.

4. can 6 women really live together?

5. of course they can.  i hope.

6. and God is still Jehovah Jireh.

7. i really enjoy being the age i am.  really.  i'm glad to be young and i can't wait to be old.

8. chocolate chip pancakes have never tasted as good as they did this morning at 7:42 am.

9. i miss my family.  it's an ache of the heart that feels deep and rich, and it throbs a little when the 5 year old says "i love you" through the phone.

10.  i love saraZ's onion painting in the basement of the library.  i want to buy it from her and put in my house.

11. i am happy.  

12. i am content.

i could use some direction. please.

i'm getting worried. the natural, usual worries that accompany children/young adults/humans of my age. you know, things like "what am i going to do with my life?" it's hard to be peaceful right now, when i don't know which direction this little life should take.

and the frustrating thing is that no one else can answer this for me, and no one really wants to.

provision

... and Jehovah Jireh sometimes acts through roommates who can't finish their peanutbutter (and chocolate!) blenders.  funny how i notice it most when the fridge is bare.

there is something special about this adventure in simple living, if i can even presume to call it that.  (we spend more money than i want to think about on tuition and housing) yet, this chosen period of thriftiness seems to be curbing some of my materialism, waste (and waist?) and hopefully, fear.  i see the Provider working in little things: clothes from a friend, hotel soap from my traveling father, and the consistent coffee dates that my boyfriend is so sweet to initiate.  And then again, we do have things like Diana's famous Chili Shit (one can of vegetarian chili + all the shit left in the fridge and cupboards = one miraculous meal) and the almost never ending box of pancake mix (which calls for milk and eggs, but tastes fine with just water).  

forgive me for taking this out of context, but if God is for us, who can be against us?

here's to living on less, sharing more and laughing all the while.